[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
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My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
WWE is French for “yes”
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Even the worst hangover wears off by 5:00. Coincidence? I think not.
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc