@PrinceGreenJr

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

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@mommajessiec

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

@mattZillaaaa

Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.

@Mindless4Miles

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

@E_lok44

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

@MoistPork

9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.

@MissHavisham

7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL

@ThatBrenna

Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self

@Heatinblack

[at an interview]

Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?

Me: I get along well with others

Interviewer: your greatest weakness?

Me: I use a lot of duct tape

@Brampersandon_

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

@blood_orphan

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.