*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

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Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.


Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.


Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.


When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.


9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.


7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!


Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.

Dr: Suture self


[at an interview]

Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?

Me: I get along well with others

Interviewer: your greatest weakness?

Me: I use a lot of duct tape


WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”


I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.