Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train

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Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.


If you knew what I considered to be my “best behavior” it’s doubtful you’d advise me to be “on it”.


me: i’d like to make a complaint

optometrist: what is it?

me: the surgery i just had

optometrist: and?

me: [taking off sunglasses] do you see any laser eyes because i don’t


Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.


The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.


Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.


Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread


me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol


Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before


Kid: *falls down*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *runs into table*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *ball hits them in face*

Me: You’re fine.

Kid: *drops phone*

Me: OMG, did you break it?!


*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”


Stop calling hurricanes names, you’re just giving them the attention that they want