The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
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Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Jury duty would be a lot more popular if they gave everyone a turn with the gavel
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”