Trains are just sideway elevators.
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In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
So that’s what we looked like?
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Baller is short for ballerina
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Oh no
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]