Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
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Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
I just stopped by to water my horse.
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.