@Brampersandon_

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

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@GrantTanaka

me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT

@Pspenny36

7yo: mommy you smell like beer. Me: well, you smell like a bad idea that your dad and I thought could fix our marriage….now go to bed.

@UnFitz

I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.

@ClichedOut

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

@Lisa_Laughs_

I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.

@yonewt

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

@mattZillaaaa

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

@MomOnFire

My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.

@YourAnMoron

You’d think a dude named Captain Crunch would have amazing abs.