@Brampersandon_

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

You Might Also Like

@joeldanger

My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.

@MunkMania

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

@madam_daze

Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.

@Staggfilms

ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.

@itsallbollocks

Me: ssshhh it’s still nighttime look the sun is still sleeping
5yo: the sun doesn’t sleep, mum, the earth rotates and the sun’s on the other side
Me:
5yo: you don’t know anything, do you

@TheAlexNevil

I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.

@SaraMansford

Sad that at 36 I have yet to experience the dirty dancing lift. If it doesn’t happen by 40 I’ll just start running at random strangers.

@NewDadNotes

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.

@SaraMansford

Just made a voodoo doll of myself that I’m about to beat some sense into.

@HomeWithPeanut

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.