me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
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Hey boy, are you an astronaut? Cause you’re invading my space
7yo: mommy you smell like beer. Me: well, you smell like a bad idea that your dad and I thought could fix our marriage….now go to bed.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
You’d think a dude named Captain Crunch would have amazing abs.