[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
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In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]