@comotethomas

[trampoline park]

me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*

Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit

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@PinkCamoTO

“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.

@FU_TangClan

Me: You ever have conversations in your head?

Me: No.

Me: Me neither

@tastefactory

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

@JediGigi

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.

@LlamaInaTux

Me: who is your favourite spice girl?

Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man

@SteveSuckington

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

@NoTheOtherJohn

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

@ThatsSoCorri

duolingo: he is a boy

me: él es un niño

duolingo: she is a girl

me: ella es una niña

duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious

me: puedo—wait

@tsm560

I once booked a cruise just so I could walk around for 7 days saying “Looks like we’re all in the same boat” to everyone else on board.

@GrantTanaka

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me