“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
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Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: Me neither
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
I once booked a cruise just so I could walk around for 7 days saying “Looks like we’re all in the same boat” to everyone else on board.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me