Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

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If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.


When my gang enters a brawl, we take small steps forward while snapping in unison. Jeff does a flip off a wall too. Its pretty intimidating.


My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.


My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.


if i was a bird i’d just ride around on other birds


[looking at photo album]

Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy

Son: Why is your hair spiky…

Daughter: …and long in the back?


Hmmm, why don’t we try reincarnation. Here, take this razor blade and I’ll leave you alone for a few moments…

-me as a therapist


Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.