Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.

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*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper




A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face


My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.


Most problems can be solved by pouring a concrete slab over the person causing the problems.


My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.

I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him

I’m not ready for this.


I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened


Just found a new app that that tells you which one of your friends are boring. It’s called Facebook.


Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.