Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
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[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.