Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”

Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”

Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.

My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.

I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.

In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.

Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.

a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch

#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane

I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.

The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude

HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.

ME: Yes I Khan.

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

Everyone tells me to take care, but no one tells me where they have kept it.

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.

not hearing back from people right away:

2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.

2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.

Sounds like my sex life at the moment

I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

If you take a social media break don’t announce it. Just make your last post something fun like “I wonder what would happen if I jumped this fence and try to pet these cute tigers at this zoo?”

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957

[creation]

GOD: You guys are bees

BEE: Are we important?

GOD: Mankind would collapse without you

BEE: Can we fly?

GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol

BEE: …

GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out