TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
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ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
This is the one
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.