Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
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going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Stop sending me this shit.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil