Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”

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ME: hey dad will ya pass the peas
DAD: say please
ME: hey dad will ya pass the please
DAD: *tears up so hard*


My neighbor and I accidentally made eye contact today when she caught me making a sandwich in her kitchen


My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.


I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.


I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT


your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too


Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.