Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
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Meme Monday.
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
fr
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.