[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
You Might Also Like
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
One venti cheeseburger please.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Guns don’t kill people
People that have 5 kids, 1 cat, 2 ex-mother-in-laws & work 50 hours a week without wine in their life, kill people
i- i did not expect this
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser