[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

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People who say they’ll be late for their own funeral*

*trust me. you’ll make it.


ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface


Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]


“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987


Whoever just called my mom 3 minutes after she called me

You are a God!


Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels


everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.


Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.


Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.


The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.