@ArfMeasures

[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengers

Wife: what no

Me: I’m growing weaker

Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes

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@tsm560

People who say they’ll be late for their own funeral*

*trust me. you’ll make it.

@Holy_Mowgli

ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface

@PhilJamesson

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

@SashaBrenner

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

@1MeLrO

Whoever just called my mom 3 minutes after she called me

You are a God!

@theshantilly

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

@The_GetawayGirl

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

@thedad

Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.

@meh_thinks

Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.

@storming01

The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.