Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
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You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
[during dinner on a date]
“I’m currently in university”
how long is your degree?
“normally a year, but I have dial up, so probably 2”
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh