Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
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When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Does your wife know you’re single?
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.