I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
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For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.