Travel bloggers during quarantine
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My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Friends with no kids are like:
Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
From Facebook just now…
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
I heard someone talk about all the sex they were having for like 20 minutes, and now I know how people feel when I talk about CrossFit.
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello