Traveler’s camo
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Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!