@OctopusCaveman

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

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@portmanteauface

My parents made me join the boy scouts and one time we got merit badges for putting our fingerprints on file for the cops and I put rubber cement on my fingertips first in case you were wondering how early I started playing the long game

@N_Doemostmuted

I put on Sade and she said ” who is that ? ” so me being the gentleman that I am I explained it to her while dropping her off at the bus stop

@FrauFickenDammt

A white man beaten with a wheel of Parmesan claims it was a hate crime. Cheese on cracker investigation begins.

@TheCatWhisprer

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

@DjJazzyJeffro

A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!

@skin_and_i

I’m not stalking you but I have managed to trace your family tree back to 1724

@Honda_954

Two cannibals are eating Dane Cook. One says to the other, “does this taste funny”, the other replies “No”.

@HaliPhacks

*Me coming home after a frustrating day*

Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?

@HenpeckedHal

[on Shark Tank]

me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”