Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
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He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.