*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
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wtf is a larm clock?
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.