[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
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Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.