*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
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Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
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When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
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My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
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“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
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ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
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Grocery guy here with a reminder…
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