[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.

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Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.


Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.

Dragon: This is the last time.

Unicorn: Hell yeah!

Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]


I think these bikers are coming over to give me a group hug because they like the Hello Kitty stickers I put all over their motorcycles.


“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”


“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”


Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.


By the way it was me who set those sheep free to roam around the courtroom during your divorce hearing. In case ewe were wandering.


I said “no” to a lot of things this year without giving them a chance.
In 2016 I plan on saying “maybe” more and then changing it to “no”.


he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff