[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
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My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably