Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
You Might Also Like
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
I think these bikers are coming over to give me a group hug because they like the Hello Kitty stickers I put all over their motorcycles.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Odd numbers bother me. Except 75. 75 you’re ok.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
By the way it was me who set those sheep free to roam around the courtroom during your divorce hearing. In case ewe were wandering.
I said “no” to a lot of things this year without giving them a chance.
In 2016 I plan on saying “maybe” more and then changing it to “no”.
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
BUT GHOSTBUSTERS NEVER GAVE US THEIR NUMBER.