@MartaEffing

Tread lightly on the path, as we all have a journey to make.

Unless you’re super hungry, in which case you’re allowed to mow people down.

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@kentgrossarth

I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.

@thepunningman

Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”

@DrakeGatsby

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

@yoyoha

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

@inmyimage007

My picky niece just complimented me on my deviled eggs.

*adds gourmet chef to resume

@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

@KyleMcDowell86

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

@LizerReal

Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]

@ficklenuts

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

@aneesa_p

I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.