Tread lightly on the path, as we all have a journey to make.

Unless you’re super hungry, in which case you’re allowed to mow people down.

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I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.


Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”


John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own


Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science


My picky niece just complimented me on my deviled eggs.

*adds gourmet chef to resume


Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.


I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.


Govt: How many dependents do you have?

Me: 7

Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]


Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”


I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.