I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
Tread lightly on the path, as we all have a journey to make.
Unless you’re super hungry, in which case you’re allowed to mow people down.
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Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Pics or it didn’t happen.
My picky niece just complimented me on my deviled eggs.
*adds gourmet chef to resume
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.