Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.

I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

god: *creates human* whatcha think?

angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?

god: *adds shins* now it will

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

A bear went into a bar.

“I’d like a whiskey…….

and coke.”

Bartender asks “why the long pause?”

Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.

Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.

She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore

I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*

From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.

Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.

Time for a new house.

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.