Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
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*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
Don’t snitch tag.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?