@Marlebean

Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.

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@WeAreGirICodes

*gets hit by a car*

Driver: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens twitter*

Me: “LMAOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

@iMonkGreen

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

@jayonguitar

When you rob an Ikea store they probably make you put all the money in the bag yourself.

@pilau

interviewer: can you use word

me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words

@careworn

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

@Naked_Superman

It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.

@aquickschnack

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

@SnizzleFrizzle

12: “Why don’t girls like playing dodgeball?”

Because we don’t like getting hit by balls.

12: *giggles for 5 minutes*

You are so my child

@DrinkingJimmy

When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.

@TheCamJude

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*