you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
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[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything