“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
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That’s fair
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
(Musicians.)
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public