“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
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PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.