Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
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I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing