Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
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Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I’ve been drinking.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
What about a To-Don’t List?
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.