*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
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Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.