*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

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I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.


My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.


[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one


Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.


Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.


Him: Tell me one of your fantasies
Me: I want to lie in a field of French fries naked


Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.


Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!


I’m white and my wife is black. I’m trying to convince her we should adopt a Chinese baby so we can tell people that’s how they are made


They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.