@tastefactory

*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*

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@Breadery

I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.

@BadMikeyBad

My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.

@mrjohndarby

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

@Jennco_W

Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.

@FunnyTunes

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

@sirensaysnope

Him: Tell me one of your fantasies
Me: I want to lie in a field of French fries naked

@DomesticGoddss

Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.

@Desert_Musings

Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!

@WildeThingy

I’m white and my wife is black. I’m trying to convince her we should adopt a Chinese baby so we can tell people that’s how they are made

@Loli_Sug

They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.