“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
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Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
S M O L
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
My beach vacation Google searches