[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]


TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

You Might Also Like


Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”


Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.


I’m actually not looking forward to my wife having the baby. I hate meeting new people


I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”


Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or


“Ugh! Dave is coming to dinner”
“Wait, Dave Jones or Dave who impersonates police cars?”
[long silence]
[hears faint sirens in the distance]


Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?


Please. Danger is my middle name.
“What’s your first name?”


[explaining fingernails to an alien]

ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.

ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.