@BlindChow

*tree falls in the forest*

*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*

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@TheHyyyype

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

@PhoenixRises69

iPhone 5s fitted with fingerprint recognition.

I’ll sleep easier knowing that if my phone gets stolen, they’ll likely chop off my hand too.

@Xalqee

“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over

@withanewname

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

@TheBoydP

If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?

@WilliamRodgers

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

@Bownuggets

DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.

@Fred_Delicious

If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people

@LoriLuvsShoes

My 16:

“How come when my friends come over you’re suddenly the nicest mom in the world?”

@CheryeDavis

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.