*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
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Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
do what now??
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO