astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
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iPhone 5s fitted with fingerprint recognition.
I’ll sleep easier knowing that if my phone gets stolen, they’ll likely chop off my hand too.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
“How come when my friends come over you’re suddenly the nicest mom in the world?”
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.