tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
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[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
how many bears make up a bear minimum
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer