TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
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[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
But wait…
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.
Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*
Kim Paperhands: No.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.