My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
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When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Stop sending me this shit.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler