me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
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Ladies, if your man says he’ll fix it, he will. There’s no reason to remind him every 6 months.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
I want to grab some Mexican tonight and then maybe have some dinner with him
An alarm clock that sends the person you like one of your deleted mirror pictures every time you hit the snooze button.
If we are in fact living in a computer simulation, I wish the 11 year old running my account would send me to the gym more often
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.