@MyNameIsArchaic

Tree: so how do I eat?

God: you just absorb sunlight and-

Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!

God: well not exactly-

Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ

God:

Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.

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@Gupton68

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

@lovemyboots111

Ladies, if your man says he’ll fix it, he will. There’s no reason to remind him every 6 months.

@BSnapz2019

Bad joke of the day:

Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.

@sofarrsogud

Me: What sneakers are you wearing?

Her: Converse

Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.

@AphroditeAfter5

I want to grab some Mexican tonight and then maybe have some dinner with him

@KKAlThani

An alarm clock that sends the person you like one of your deleted mirror pictures every time you hit the snooze button.

@Mr_Kapowski

If we are in fact living in a computer simulation, I wish the 11 year old running my account would send me to the gym more often