Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
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Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
being a writer on Twitter:
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?