(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
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I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
no
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
can’t catch a break
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else