Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.

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Probably not a coincidence that Taylor Swift just spent $17M on a mansion only two states away from me.


Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.

Me: You have other pants and you wore those?


INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]


hello 911
“whats your emergency”
there’s someone in my home
“are you safe?”
it’s a girl
“do you like her”
*starts twirling hair*
I dont know


Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie

*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*


I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.


[First Date]

Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)

Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome

Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-

Guy: *grazing*


You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.