Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
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The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
Warm pools make me nervous.
She: I like Cats
He:
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.
Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
🛁
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.