Probably not a coincidence that Taylor Swift just spent $17M on a mansion only two states away from me.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
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Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Question everything. Or should you?
“whats your emergency”
there’s someone in my home
“are you safe?”
it’s a girl
“do you like her”
*starts twirling hair*
I dont know
H: where did you move after your divorce?
I moved on.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.