When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
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VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Toddler: My feet are cold, do you have any feet warm stuff?
Me: Yes, socks
Toddler: No!!
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool