11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…
but thinks the market for teeth is.
Trench coats are dangerous. How do you know who’s a detective, a flasher, or two muppets? You just don’t know. YOU JUST DON’T KNOW!!
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A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
“Cody, for the last time, it’s still a carburetor even when it’s in a van”
“Or a truck”
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
[alarm clock, 6:00 a.m.]
Ok cool, I have time for breakfast and a nice shower before work
[third snooze button]
Alright, well, I have time for a coffee and a quick shower
[tenth snooze button]
What if I burned off my fingerprints and moved to south america
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.