Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
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Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.