[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
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I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
I noticed you were watching as I struggled to find my mouth with my straw. Glad we could share that moment.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.