Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

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My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.


People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”


me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome

blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?

me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course


Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs


Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently


Walkie-talkies as alternative educational communication tools:

Teacher: Your score is 98 over 100 OVER <static>

Student: Over? OVER <static>

T: 100. OVER <static>

S: Over? OVER <static>

T: Check your email…


Found an old Tom Jones CD and my underwear drawer flew wide open and all my undies threw themselves at my stereo.


I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.