My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Judge: how do you plead?
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
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People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
nothing saves money like being antisocial
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Walkie-talkies as alternative educational communication tools:
Teacher: Your score is 98 over 100 OVER <static>
Student: Over? OVER <static>
T: 100. OVER <static>
S: Over? OVER <static>
T: Check your email…
Found an old Tom Jones CD and my underwear drawer flew wide open and all my undies threw themselves at my stereo.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.