@Elizasoul80

[trial]

Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

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@CorkyCrash

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

@ShutUpThatsWho

If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.

@augustusglooopp

Everyone type it with me:

A lot is two words.
A lot is two words.
A lot is two words.
A lot is two words.

Good. Tomorrow: Irregardless.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.

@TheTweetOfGod

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

@iwearaonesie

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

@EJGomez

jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross

@PinkCamoTO

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

@joeljeffrey

A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.

@Liber_what

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too