Judge: how do you plead?

“not guilty”

J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.

“he asked me to make him a pancake”

You Might Also Like


11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.


If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.


Everyone type it with me:

A lot is two words.
A lot is two words.
A lot is two words.
A lot is two words.

Good. Tomorrow: Irregardless.


Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.


The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.


wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*


jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross


*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.


A man fought off a polar bear yesterday using only his cell phone… it was probably a blackberry. The bear was so disgusted he just left.


Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me: here, take the eggs too